Thursday, November 3, 2011

Angry Mama Grizzly

Last night, my Fall Sensual Shaman Immersion group completed the Animal Spirit Immersion where we met and entrained to our animal spirit energy and explored its place in nature. On being guided to the under world, my native American roots took over and I found myself in nature around a sacred grotto that I had visited several times in real life. I was wearing tan buckskin and wore a quiver and held a bow. I had long plaited hair in braids and a tan muscular woman’s body. I dove through the watery grotto until I came to a secret cave where I surfaced. Pulling myself out of the water, I rested on the ledge of the cave peering back and my reflection. I washed my hair and plaited braids in the water feeling eyes watching me from a dark recess within the cave. I stood and walked toward the eyes and asked my power animal to reveal itself to me. Ferocious jaws and a roaring mouth and fierce eyes came into focus as a female grizzly bear stepped out of the darkness three inches away from my face. That can’t be right, I thought. I journey with spiders, snakes, lions, horses. A grizzly???

“This will be interesting,” I thought. I asked again and the grizzly roared. I entrained myself to her and welcomed her into my body, my spine and her spine aligning. Our ancient brains merged and I awakened to a deep animal knowing within. Within the Immersion group our animal clan awakened and moved through space together which included an eel, wolf, leopard, two eagles, mama grizzly and homo habilis. In meditation, mama grizzly spoke to me – “Take ownership of your ferocious protective mother energy.” I moved through the animal kingdom pondering her medicine. Grizzly’s destroy anything that portents to threaten her cubs. I realized that with all my new age-y non-violent communication training and Earth mama compassion, I found myself at times apologizing for ferocious feelings of protection for those I loved. The New Age-y Rainbow clan 'love your brother and sister' way of being, can sometimes program even the useful inner fight out of even the compassionate warrior.

Seeing dear friends and loved ones in disastrous relationships, or self-inflicted pain cycles, I had trained myself to stand aside and support where they were, which often reinforced and enabled these pain cycles to continue, when a deeper inner roar was actually present that my soul desired to express. I found myself this past week listening and watching as a close friend of mine agonized over a former lover become emotionally available to her again and again. I also watched while another friend of mine newly exploring polyamory at her husband’s persistent demands, struggle with her husband’s tantrums when she found someone she wanted to connect with on an intimate level. I remember during both of these conversations, an inner savage protectiveness rose up in me. “Hurt my friend again and you’re lunch,” I thought silently. Then I would smooth out these inner brutal impulses with reprogrammed thinking of “honor where my friend and her relationships and lovers and that pain as necessary teaching experiences. Support and love are medicine.” Mama grizzly wants to destroy those that threatens her family but she also wants to slap her cubs upside the head and say “What are hell are you doing? Why are you tolerating a situation that supports less than your most magnificent, radiant self-expression?” To my tribe, you may get slapped upside the head this week. Know that it’s my deepest expression of love. Today, mama grizzly says “I love you and I have no apologies.”